


The Art of Table Location

by Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains



Series: Of Tears and Ash [21]
Category: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys
Genre: Banter, Discussion, Gen, Ridiculous dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:21:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25755772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains/pseuds/Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains
Summary: Iphicles and Orestes try to find a place to sit in a crowded tavern.  This devolves into their usual bantering.
Series: Of Tears and Ash [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1050806
Kudos: 8





	The Art of Table Location

The tavern was alive with a current of activity when the stepped into it.Iphicles glanced about, taking in the scene.Most of the tables looked to be occupied, and the bar was fairly full too.Then again, for a town of this size, it wasn’t surprising that the lunch rush would be a busy time.But this particular eatery looked as this it had an especially large crowd, particularly when the size of the place was taken into account.Though Iphicles couldn’t pretend that he was terribly pleased by the prospect of so many people crammed into such a relatively small space, he supposed that the large number of patrons could very well be indicative of the quality of the establishment’s food and drink.Based on the high volume of individuals who was currently present, it was plausible to believe that the tavern’s fare must be more than fair, likely rising to the rank of ‘quite decent, all things considered,’ which was a possibility which Iphicles could appreciate substantially more.He shot a look over at Orestes.“Looks like they’re doing alright from a business standpoint,” Iphicles remarked humorously to his companion.

Orestes glanced over at his friend and raised an eyebrow.“And by that you mean what?”

“Well, just look at this place.They have a packed establishment, wouldn’t you agree?”Iphicles observed.“I’m sure they’re doing well from a financial standpoint with so many customers.”

“You have a point,” Orestes conceded.“Though I have a nagging suspicion that that remark was just a roundabout way to comment on the number of people here.”

Iphicles cocked an eyebrow this time.“And why, if you would be so kind as to tell me, would you ever suspect that I would do such a thing as that?”

“Comment on the quantity of people at a location?Why, I have no idea whatsoever.Consider it a mere lapse of judgement on my part and nothing more.Come now, it’s not as if you are always paying attention to the number of individuals around you, or anything so absurd.We both know that you absolutely love crowds more than anything else.In fact, I would go so far as to stake my claim on the fact that getting caught up in the middle of a giant mass of people is one of your favorite activities.It’s why you positively adore marketplaces, especially in the larger cities.Isn’t that right?”Orestes mused, his voice thick with sarcasm.

“Oh, most certainly, beyond a shadow of a doubt.To think anything else would be pure idiocy.Can you imagine me not appreciating the benefits of being surrounded by numerous people?That’s utterly preposterous, to the extent that it’s nearly inconceivable,” Iphicles shot back, equal irony in his voice.

“Ah, you’re right, you’re right of course,” Orestes deadpanned.“Though I think you are wrong about one thing.It’s not merely nearly inconceivable.I’d say it passes the point of inconceivability.”

“You know, my friend, you might just be right about that,” Iphicles admitted, his voice still sardonic.“Come now, shall we do our best to seek out an available space in this eatery.”

“Sounds like an excellent plan to me,” Orestes concurred.“Wouldn’t want to get between you and a loud crowd.”He scanned the room.“Say, I think I found just the place.”He nodded towards a vacant table.“I think you’d love that seating arrangement.”

Iphicles looked toward the table to which his friend gestured, and noted that it was directly adjacent to one of the loudest, most boisterous parties in the entire eatery.“Oh yes, marvelous,” he opined cynically.“See anything else?”

“Well, I suppose there is that one in the corner,” Orestes admitted, nodding his head in the direction of another table located in said portion of the common area, which was similarly unoccupied.“By why would you want to sit over there?It seems a bit too quiet.Sitting directly by the most raucous group in the whole establishment seems more your speed.I mean, imagine the pure thrill of such a harrowing adventure.It’s the stuff of which legends are made, don’t you know?”

Iphicles thought it was entirely possible that it was physically impossible for Orestes’s voice to contain any further mordancy.“You know, normally I would completely concur with such astute, relevant observations, good Orestes,” Iphicles replied, “But at the moment, I don’t believe I feel in the mood for excitement.I’ve reached my quota for the week, so to speak.You know how these things go, I assume.It’s best not to push them beyond the point of tolerability, unless you want to deal with the consequences which arise as a result of that sort of breach.”

“Ah, yes, I must confess, I know of that which you speak,” Orestes admitted.“My knowledge of it is as great as one who has witnessed this fury you make mention of with one’s own eyes, for so I have, on a particular occasion, long ago now.I believe it was an unfortunate incident involving two of my good drinking buddies.”

“Then I am sure that you are well aware that such an outcome is one which should be avoided at all costs if such a thing is tenable, am I correct?”Iphicles inquired with a pointed glance in his friend’s direction.

“Ah yes, ah yes, I must concur, without any real argument to be made to the contrary, that you are undoubtedly correct in that observation, my friend,” Orestes admitted.“Based on my past experiences in the matter, which I will not hesitate to say are most unpleasant memories which I have no interest in revisiting at this time, I will attest to the fact that any self-respecting, wise individual should go to every feasible lengths to avert such an occurrence if that individual possesses the power to do so.”

“Ah, I am pleased to see that you hold a sagacious opinion on the matter, one informed by a no-doubt edifying experience,” Iphicles commented.

“I feel that it would be most unfair to what I endured in that experience to label using that term, which characterizes it as a purely educational venture, when the actuality of it was something definitively less intentional than a venture of that nature, and decidedly more unfortunate for the individuals involved in the affair.Surely you can see the reasoning in this qualm?”Orestes objected, his voice satirical.

“I will concede that I can understand the sentiment behind this objection of yours, but while I am willing to recognize that my characterization was perhaps a limiting one, I must counter by inquiring as to whether it was inaccurate.I do not feel as though it was.Can you deny that?”Iphicles riposted wittily.

“I see the play which you intend to make within the confines of this discourse,” Orestes commented.“And while I am not pleased at the route you have chosen to take, I cannot in good conscience lie to you.No, the truth of the matter is that it was in fact an enlightening experience.However, I am loath to say that the price at which this instruction came was worth that which was gained through it.You surely must acknowledge the validity of that perspective.”

“Yes, you’re right, I understand what you mean by that, and I respect your point.Not all that is acquired by experience is worth the ordeal through which it is acquired.That is the case you say applies to this particular instance, is it not?”

“Precisely,” Orestes affirm with a prompt nod of confirmation.“I think, were you to be apprised of the other parties involved in the experience to which I have been referring, you would understand without any further elucidation, why this is the case.”

“Well then, what other parties were involved?”Iphicles inquired, feigning interest.

“Well, as I said earlier, the event within my memory involves two of my good drinking buddies.Said individuals would happen to be none other than the infamous Selucreh and Knee-swollaus.”

Iphicles eyes flashed.“You mean that dynamically deadly duo of disreputable designs and deeds, well-known for causing considerable consternation and countless conundrums across the majority of the mortal realms?”

“The very same,” Orestes confirmed.

“Then say no more, say no more,” Iphicles ordered.“I know now well enough why you do not wish to revisit those memories,” he assured Orestes.“I can only imagine the horrors which your recollections must contain.Doubt not, I believe your argument wholly now.It is downright nigh ludicrous that any lesson learned from an encounter with those two could be worth the payment with which it was procured.”

“I am glad that you finally understand my reticence and adamant stance in this business,” Orestes remarked.

“You have my apologies for my previous lack of understanding regarding all such things,” Iphicles responded.“Come now, shall we claim those seats before another group of patrons arrives and claims them first?”

Orestes shot his gaze over at the table they had scouted out earlier, the sigh which followed indicating that he was relieved to see that it still remained open.“I believe that would be a wise choice.”

“Most certainly,” Iphicles concurred, looking about the room, and noting that they were receiving a few critical glances from those seated close by to where they stood. “Let’s be quick about it too, as it seems to me that we have disturbed a few of the customers.”

Orestes glanced about and apparently came to the same conclusion as Iphicles.“You’re quite right.”

Together, they made their way in the direction of the vacant table, navigating as best they could through the maze that was the common room.As they took their seats, Iphicles announced, “Well, I know now what I’ll be trying to pry out of you this round.”

Orestes looked across to his companion and grinned.“And what would that happen to be?”

“Well, I’m rather interested about the details of this unfortunate event involving that pernicious pair of drinking buddies with whom we both seem to have had the ill fate to come into contact.And I imagine you’re not going to be all too willing to share the specifics of the occasion without the proper motivation, right?”

“Indubitably true,” Orestes agreed.“I think it will take a very good bit of wit and a quick tongue to extract those facts from my mental vault.Prepare yourself for a challenge.Though, if I might make a recommendation, simply to make things a bit more interesting for both of us, an effective strategy of attack might be to utilize some of your own experiences with that dubious duo’s questionable comradery.”

“I find it amusing that you would give me advice on how to best assail you,” Iphicles opined.

“What can I say?I enjoy living on the edge of chaos,” Orestes attested in response.

Iphicles chuckled at this.“Be careful what you claim.I might very well hold you too your word on that.”

“Oh, I completely encourage you to do so,” Orestes retorted.“I expect nothing less than your very worst.”

“Duly noted,” Iphicles said with a grin.

**Author's Note:**

> This is another one of my HTLJ fics from 2018 (set in my "Of Tears and Ash" AU) that I never posted, but decided I might as well, considering the time I put into them. Once again, since I'm no longer really in the fandom, I'm backdating this to when I wrote it, so no one thinks I'm suddenly back into HTLJ.


End file.
